Of Long Walks and Park Stops

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Hours of walking

Yellow candy sun

I stopped minding

In our melted run

Hours of walking

Breaks at your place

Water to quench and

Sprinkle on my face

Hours of walking

I don’t mind at all

Love the odd paper sheets

Burns on your knuckled feet

Hours of simply walking

And philosophical rants

And trying to decide

if i’ll share my own insights

Hours of walking

And hitching the wrong rides

We ended up parting

Tired, but satisfied.

Little Darling

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Child my heart skips a beat for you
More than I need to
It feels like
You’re the reason I never sleep
You’re safe with me all through the lonely nights…

~.~

Little darling prefers

To stay outside

With blinking eyes

Like star clusters

.

Little darling flutters

Her ebony lashes

In my secure hold

She wildly thrashes

.

Little darling is curious

Of feline companions

And stray dog fur clues

On dry asphalt, shoes

.

Little darling cries

No more stimulation daring

Inside these four walls

Of scary plushies staring

.

Little darling giggles

When grandfather wiggles

An admonishing finger

And bright white teeth linger

.

Little darling is stubborn

And makes a conscious effort

To lie on her front for hours

Head plopping tiredly on pillows

.

Little darling wonders

With lips that purse and ponder

The moonlit damp bushes

Shake and shudder in occasion

.

Little darling sleeps

With one hand on top

Blanket weighing down

Milk bottle leaking drops

.

Little darling dreams

Flashes of color, vague

And warmth radiating

Arms, always waiting.

~.~

I’ll be your sunny day
So that when you play I’ll shine down on you
Love, I’ll be your moonlit night so you’ll have a light when the sun is through…

On the prospect of impending college, i have been recently looking up B.U. My original plan this summer was to push through with U.P, yet now that some time has passed and more practical options have egressed (and my emotions have calmed down), it is undeniable that going to B.U is more practical.

The only reason going to U.P had been a star burning brightly at the time was because i wanted to get away from the house and it seemed like that place was the farthest i could fly to and build a fort on. They have dormitories there and i have never been to Manila before so the thought of adventure was pretty pleasing at the time. I just really really wanted to get away from this hellhole. To be honest, the thought of bragging rights that getting into such a prestigious school would grant me was like the water at the bottom of the glass-an advantage but only just.

When my parents outright refused to send me to U.P it pissed me off, but i understood the reasoning behind it. No matter how self-assured and prideful i am, the fact remains that i am far from the independent person that i want to be. I’ve been brought up relying so much on my parents, even though this stubborn, determined voice inside of me keeps saying fuck you, i can handle it, just get me out of here, and i know that i can, too, survival has been an essential part of my psyche for eight years now. Let’s face it, i have no relatives in Manila, no one to turn to, and for someone just beginning to tentatively leave the nest, that’s a big leap indeed. I’m still stubborn enough to hold on to the pros, which is getting away from that very same nest of evil, yet in my calculating mind i know that i’m not being very wise and reasonable.

My hopes have once again been ignited when i heard about B.U, which also requires me to live there on weekdays, which is more than enough personal space for me to thrive. It’s nearer, a two-hour drive away from my house, but i’m alright with that since i’m not required to be in the same four walls with my family anymore. And they’ll be more considerate this time, of course, since the relative distance is hardly an issue. There’s nothing to pay, either. From what i’ve heard, B.U is a state university, and it’s pretty much free or minimal tuition to go there once you’ve passed. Since my parents have always hoped for minimal financial strain on my studies because of my so-called intellectual capabilities, this is also another perk. Plus, the standards in B.U are pretty high. It’s truly a school for the intelligent and determined, and many people have been calling it a counterpart of U.P. This is more than enough incentive for me, since low-key recognition is enough for me. In fact, it’s actually favorable. I don’t want to be a hard-core neurotic workaholic, i just want to enjoy life and all its transience and obscurity.

I have nothing to prove. Maybe i could have been the stereotypical honor student at one point in my life, but when you have gone through the same emotional abuse as i have, wanting to please your abusers becomes pretty low on your list. Unless you’ve become completely psychologically fucked up, that is. No, i have nothing to prove, not even to myself. I’m already proud of myself for making it this far, for being an old soul who finds comfort in safety and stability, and still having this passion to try out impulsive things and figure out what my breaking points are. They haven’t broken my spirit, and that’s what’s important in the end.

Of course, i just have to prepare myself if i don’t pass the examinations for B.U. I’m aware of my capabilities and work ethic, but i’m also aware that shit just happens sometimes, and if i don’t pass then okay, i’ll just have to find a way to deal. Either way, i won’t be trapped in this wretched place forever, and i have developed the recuperative properties needed to reach my goals and recover from setbacks. Don’t get me wrong, i can get pretty angsty, but it’s like an ingrained part of me is just programmed to keep fixing my system and moving forward, you know? It’s annoying. Because the melancholic seer in me knows that whenever there’s a high, there’s always a low, so why not just get off the fucking ride permanently than to subject myself to this psychological torture any longer. It’s only logical euthanasia. I can be coldly objective sometimes.

But that’s just one side of me. And if i am anything at all, it’s perceptive towards all viewpoints. It’s easy to lose oneself in the romanticized well of self victimization. But truly, if you want to fucking live you have to clamber out of there even if you chip all your grimy nails and lose an arm.

Nameless

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A/N: I wrote this for a friend who prompted me into writing something about love. I don’t know if this is a song since there are no repetitive verses. I hereby challenge you to make it one, if it has failed to meet your request, and also the reciprocation you have promised.

____________________________________________

I guess I’ve been bruised if we were to speak plain
Every bruise that comes to flesh, makes it mark on the brain
You say it’s always been and always will be
Anything you say has already been said, a million times

Do you think of all of the side streets we’ve walked past
Or our buried skeletons in the back yard?

~.~

I will try my best

To be strong for myself

Because love ain’t that grand

And i don’t need its help

I will try my best

To be stronger for me

And to find spiritual happiness

In matchbox forms of

Tangible glee

The cinnamon rays of the sun

Softly filtered by my

Small outstretched hands

The scarlet dragonflies

Hovering over marshy rice fields

And the blue-green glass

That i press a singular open eye

Against, to enhance the artistic

Brushstrokes of the calm

Baby blue skies—

I will find contentment

In everything that’s obscure

And quaintly beautiful

In the stories that passing eyes

Overlook, de rigueur

Love ain’t that grand

Love is a trite concept, i daresay

Invented by humans, to forge

Contentment in the hands of another

These lovely sceneries

Fractional lyrical interwoven

Necklaces, glass beads from the

Morning dew, the most natural

Elegant piece of jewelry i will

Ever grace near my chest and

Against my skin

No, i won’t ever need love

Torturous and treacherous and

Destructive

Convoluted archways of

Pain-pleasure peak

For i am content with this

Tender pureness

Unnamed and vague

Of resilience and silent

Snowflakes, disappearing

Into the heap of ice

Simultaneously cooling

and warming-

My eucalyptus cavern

The sole essence of

Wandering and swimming

In oceans within the clouds

I need not love

A name to bestow triviality

And romanticized artistry

I only need

The forest mane

Of meadow sweet and

Daffodil grains

The hushed seduction

Of coffee swirls and bitter

Curls of singed tongues

And the honesty i’m starting

To see in a soul that

I have always seen peering

Behind,

The stars are yours

In elegant bookshelves

Pixies and elves

In garden sprinklers

Condensing a particular

Fondness transcending

Time, sweet time

Milkyways and galaxies

And small, transient infinities

Comet tails in your eyes

Warm blaze, firefly incognito

Shooting stars leaving white

Lines, on the galactic skin of

Your arms–

I have always adored

The potential of butterfly

Souls, and we will flutter

In this world

And die in six days

But the nectar of incandescence

Will grace our humble wings

And we will fly to another

Another universe

And who knows what that

Might bring.

~.~

So you think you’ve moved me to change
How could I be moved when I want to move away from this place?
Things you think you know or you may have seen
Might have come to pass if your hands had been kept clean…

Brazo de Mercedes

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Soft sheets of meringue

Blanketing pumps of custard

I’ve been craving for so long

I’ve been craving so hard

More than half a year of looking

And fantasizing in tender stops

Of sweet, intermingling flavor

Crystallized sugar drops

It ends in exquisite savoring

Under white lights bathing

And a sated, satisfied spirit

Of eggs and milk and buttery limits.

Homegrown

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Roaches and cigarettes,
A sink of hungry dishes.
Flies in the afterbirth,
I miss you when you’re timid.

Loving you is nothing new,
It’s self mutilation.
I crave the pain, I’m so ashamed
But I love the stimulation…

~Homegrown, OTEP

~.~

Scream.

hate it  love it when you scream.

The petty arguments, inconsequential nonsense traded back and forth like the accursed hatchet that refuses to be buried. When i was thirteen, i thought it was the end of the world. When i was fourteen, it had become a sport. Very much so.

You like it very much. The acidic taste, the wretched bile building up in your scratchy throat. You’re a fucking sex addict, you scream. Your whole family is a line of lunatics, you scream. Your fucking brother tried to molest me in my sleep the day after your daughter was born! You S C R E A M.

It took a while, but i started to understand.

Lethargy haunts those who have never learned how to deal with the calm. And bitterness poisons those who never fix things as they should be fixed.

Even in the bible it is stated that a woman should always be submissive to the man, your misogynistic preaching screams.

Uneducated people, imbeciles through and through, your misplaced superiority complex screams.

And now that i understand, i might as well haven’t, for it has left me completely immobile and stagnant.

Today, you are eighteen…How fast time flies when you’re having fun, we love you…

You know nothing of love, I want to s c r e a m.

You fear for my knee being scraped and badly distorted if it sticks out too much in traffic. You fear for my appendix when i run too much after lunch. You fear for that secret place that many opportunistic, lust-driven maniacs covet.

I am a separate entity from my flimsy body. And while you may never have touched me indiscreetly, my psyche is raw and mangled and bloody from your tireless rape.

When you grow up, you’ll chuck us in a home, i know it, you good for nothing ingrate of a child, you scream.

Are these late nights your routine now? Do you want to get out of taking care of your sisters that badly?

Get that thing away from me, or so help me, i could kill it…

Suicide? Those who partake in that will surely go to hell…

God created the world with only two forms of sexuality, man and woman…

You’re always so untidy and filthy, look at your room! Look at your nails! Look at your uniform!

I once put three kittens in a box and threw that box in a river…The things were clawing so pathetically…

Everyone has their own load to carry. And it is of sheer bad luck that this became mine.

God only gives you what He knows you can handle…

With this, i can only laugh in hurt self-deprecation. For God was either wrong, or had placed a great faith in me, one which does not decrease the utter agony of having to live through it. Of wishing for the calmness of the ocean. Of liking the sky blue of the firmament.

love it  hate it when they scream.

~.~

The last time I died…
The last time I died, wasn’t nearly this much fun…

Splinters of Reality

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It was only a dream

An innocent, mindless

Potion, yet i know it

To be true, a reflection

Of my psyche

Of my deepest inquiries

And huddled confessions

It was only a dream

Yet the emotions were

Exquisite-

The splinters of shame

When i dropped those

Two consecutive mugs

Like a bumbling imbecile

And the complete alienation

Of my silent exile

Self-induced out of pride

And righteous indignation

The helplessness, the grappling

For a foothold, to stop the

Imbalance 

In a warped world where

All evil and hypocrisy

Are condoned and considered

N o r m a l

Oh, how content i am

To be i n s a n e

Yet

The l o n e l i  n e s s is there

All the same.

Scargazing

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Letting you be

In charge of my pain

Is the highest trust

I can convey to you

I wish you’d take the blade

And make constellations

Masterfully, like you

Always do

I don’t want you

To be the observer

Who’ll be sad when

You see the faded imprints

The eternal starlight that

Graced my transient skin

So gracefully–

No.

I want you to see

The peace, the contentment

As i finally let my grief

Manifest and take control

Take control,

Take all of it

From

Me.